Coming home (kind of).

Again, I have failed in rule #2, but what can I do but keep moving on.

I am going to keep this post short, because I still need to post Day 3, but coming back to Chicago was not easy.

I am subletting an apartment in Chicago, because I am leaving after I graduate, and I haven’t been in Lakeview since I lived here with my ex-boyfriend. I still have so many negative feelings about him… mostly because of recent events compared to those that surrounded our break-up, but being back here… is hard.

After arriving at the apartment, I went shopping and the memories just came flooding back in. I saw the ice cream shop that we both favorited, the bar where I watched him sing karaoke, and I went the grocery store that we had anxiously been waiting to open before we left… all the memories I have in the neighborhood are associated with him, and it almost feels like some weird alternative reality, and now I’m living on the other side.

I think I fail in relationships, because no matter how hard I try to maintain independent friendships and what not, I rely or become dependent on the person I date so much. We broke up back in April, and even though I have been “single,” ever since, it feels like starting at zero being back here. Fresh wounds or whatever they say…

But the only thing I can do is to keep trudging forward… because one thing is certain – he is not walking around his neighborhood right now thinking about me. NOPE. I am the only one who is doing that right now, and I have fought the urge to call or text him, because I am delusional that he would care that a Mariano’s is now open. I would be the fool.

Being back here feels weird. I created a home here, and now I feel like Chicago is a shell of the life I built here. Just wood beams where a home used to be…

xx.